I’m not sure I can explain why I find this funny

One way to look at it

In case you didn't see The Blind Side

You can read the entire script in a nutshell right here -- takes less than five minutes. I promise. And it's funny.

Jewish culinary history

This research conducted by the blog's Rocky Mountain correspondent:

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5769.

According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4706.

This means that Jews went without Chinese food for 1,063 years, a period known as the Dark Ages.

Dog for Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as "'Holy Shit.."

(This comes courtesy of the great Mike Lindley)

The Boy on the Bus

Every year on April 1, each of the British television networks insert into their evening newscasts an April Fools feature. One of the great ones was about the annual Swiss spaghetti harvest. If this had been done it England, it could have been another. And then there's this offering from "Andy, The Fonz and I" that seemed worth passing along as well.

I can get you tickets near the choir, unobstructed view of the Ark

L'shana Tovah. (This courtesy of Pete's Place Florida correspondent)

The real origins of the Internet

My Rocky Mountain correspondent sent this to me.

Better slow down, pudnah!

A dear friend just sent me this picture of the new Zero Tolerance Speed Cameras. He should know about these sort of things -- he works with the North Texas Tollway Association (you see, Schutze, some of them do have a sense of humor).

Post Valentine's Day romantic advice from the last person in the world who should be handing out romantic advice

Truth of the matter here, I'm really not the one who originated this advice. I'm just the messenger passing it along. It comes courtesy of Marc Hirsch, a contributor to MSNBC.

According to those who know about such things, there are five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. So what Mr. Hirsch came up with are five songs that could serve as the theme songs, so to speak, for each of these stages. They are designed for someone who's just broken up with the love of their life. Here they are:

Denial: "And I"m Telling You I'm Not Going" from "Dreamgirls"
Bargaining: "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations
Anger: "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac
Depression: "Without You" by Harry Nilsson (I might have gone with "Guilty" by Randy Newman)
Acceptance: "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" by Bob Dylan (I might prefer Dylan's "If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You," which probably proves once again I'm the last person to be handing out advice like this).

The rabbi's hat

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it. A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," the young man said. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on the this horse was 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field. After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said his father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," the son said. "In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?"

"No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau. So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron," screamed his father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

"It was a long shot from Japan named Yamaka.

Preserving our English language purity

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.

To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, zhlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz.
This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah,farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.

Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!