No home should be without one



The motorized monocycle

 I received the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalog in the mail a couple of days ago. I love this book. I have ordered some wonderful holiday and birthday gifts for My Hero from this pages. But this latest edition had me wondering whether either Hammacher or Schlemmer had completely lost his mind.

Take that contraption on the cover, for instance, the winner of this month”s “What the hell is that?” Award. Turns out, when I browsed the catalog, it’s a “motorized monocycle.” Here’s a partial description of the dang thing: “This is the motorized monocycle that propels a single rider up to 25 mph. Powered by a 31cc, four-stroke, 1½-hp engine, the wheel operates by using a centrifugal clutch on its inner steel frame to engage the larger 67" diam. outer flywheel that makes contact with the ground. It is steered by leaning to either side, and it can safely negotiate any dense surface such as pavement or grass.” This potential suicide machine can be yours for a mere $13,000 plus $800 in shipping costs. For those living in apartments, the thing arrives already assembled so I’m thinking it’s not going to fit in most apartment mailboxes.

Gigantic inflatable iceberg

Then, at the bottom of page 10 of the catalog, is displayed “the gigantic inflatable climbing iceberg.” And when Heirs Hammacher and Schlemmer say “gigantic,” they are not misleading a bit. It is a 14-foot tall gizmo with a climbing area of 3,920 cubic feet and only three sides of the thing comprise the climbing area. The fourth side is a slide, the quicker to get off the berg from its summit. The description includes the notation that it’s “for use in water at least 12-feet deep.” My first thought upon reading this was “where in heaven’s name could you use the thing and how could you get it there.” For those that have suitable answers to those two questions, the iceberg can be yours for six large plus $150 in shipping charges. An electric air pump, which is obviously needed unless you’re going to invite 600 porn stars to your iceberg party, costs an extra $79.95

33-in-one golf club

The catalog did have one item that interested me: A 33-in-one golf club. With a twist of a dial on this implement, a golfer could select from any one of five different putters, 14 irons, nine wedges, two drivers, three fairway woods and a partridge in a pear tree. Imagine the look on the faces of your golfing buddies when you show up for your next foursome with one club while they are toting around their massive bags. Plus the thing retracts to 19 inches, so you can stick in your suitcase for the next trip to Sea Island. The only thing keeping me from getting one of these immediately is the fact I don’t play golf. But if I did, I would consider this a bargain at $199.95 because it seems a starter set of decent clubs, plus bag, costs more than that.

Finally, if you’re looking for the perfect gift for under $100 for that cook on your gift list, the catalog is offering “the self stirring electric pot.” I’ll simply let you ponder that one.