DVD REVIEW: "The Last Legion"

Ever seen the one where the swashbuckling masked warrior is eventually unmasked and the warrior turns out to be a beautiful woman? Or how about the one where the good guys are hopelessly outnumbered by the baddies and, just when all hope seems lost, reinforcements come riding over the hill?

Yes, dear friends, those cliches and many more can be found lumbering through "The Last Legion," a Dino de Laurentiis production that looks like the family's credit cards have all been maxed out.

"The Last Legion" tells the story of the Last Caesar, or perhaps The Littlest Caesar, or ... oh, anyway he's this brat of a kid named Romulus (Thomas Sangster) who, on the day he's crowned emperor of all he surveys, all he surveys is overrun by heathens who kill mommy and daddy and send him off in shackles to the Isle of Capri where he's found, along with his guidance counselor Ambrosinus (Ben Kingsley doing his best Obi-Wan Kenobi bit), by Aurelius (Colin Firth) who swore an oath of allegiance to the little pipsqueak, for reasons only the screenwriters understand. Aurelius, Romulus, Obi-Wan and the fetching Aishwarya Rai (pictured above left with Firth) as Mira, this film's Princess Lea, then take off for Britannia where they do battle with other heathens and set the stage for the Arthurian legends.

It's all been done before and a lot better. The battle scenes in this are clumsy, the attempts at humor are forced and some things that happen here are just plain stupid. As the heathens storm Hadrian's Wall, Ambrosinus stands on the wall and fires off two great balls of fire at the approaching enemy. But he stops at two. Why isn't he popping these puppies off at regular intervals? Then there is a bit a few minutes later when Aurelius is getting the whey beat out of him by one of the original heathens (Kevin McKidd) and Romulus is just standing there looking at the whole thing, finally coming to Aurelius' aid at just the last moment. And this kid is someone Aurelius swore allegiance to?

Grade: D